So I just realized that I haven't written a single blog post since Italy. To be honest things haven't been so great since then. Hence the fact that it's 3 AM and I can't sleep because of anxiety. So much for that epiphany I had while traveling about what's important in life. There's a nervous twitch in my leg (not kidding), I'm wide awake, and I've felt like a zombie for days...so this post is going to be a little less positive and uplifting than usual. Ok a lot less. I've been sick for three weeks straight - ever since I got home - with a cold, then allergies, etc. Not unusual for me though, there's something constantly wrong with me in the health department. Anyways, as I sit here with my milk and cookies trying to comfort my insomniac self, I can't help but think about how much I don't want to leave for college. I know this statement goes against anything else I've written in this entire blog, but I feel like I just need to admit this. Of course I don't want to go back to high school, but for the longest time I imagined this summer in "limbo". I thought it would last forever, the sweet time between freedom from high school and transitioning to college. The time when I had two amazing trips planned, the time when I wanted to read for fun instead of for class, the time when I could relieve myself from the stress of the past four years. Sigh. It didn't turn out the way I planned, as most things don't. I could look at this positively and think about how everything happens for a reason and all that but I don't want to. I'm sitting here in denial that this summer is already over, that my trips have come and gone, that I'm leaving in less than a week without having done half of what I wanted to. Time, as usual, has been taken from underneath my feet - and I'm left confused. Empty. Sad. Scared. I know I'll love college once I'm there and will think I was stupid for being so nervous. That's how things always go. I'm tired of being so predictable, shutting down while simultaneously worrying myself to death at the thought of something that will be hard to face - but that's just my personality and I can't help it.
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| one of my favorite quotes....so much easier said than done |
Moving away from my hometown doesn't bother me, nor from my friends (if youre reading this I still love you all, but I know I'll see you soon so I'm not too worried) - but being away from my family and my home does. Not many people have the kind of relationship I do with my parents, and I'm thankful that I have that. But it makes this so difficult. I rely on my mom for all of my emotional support. She helps me with everything. She's my best friend. I'm more happy sitting at home watching The Bachelorette with her than going out with my friends sometimes. And my dad. I absolutely love his humor and his permanent smile, he turns my grumpy teenage attitude around in an instant. The love and support they show me everyday will be missed to no end. Alright I'm tearing up just writing this so I think it's time to stop. I just wanted to pour all of this out so I can look back when I'm an independent college kid and remember who I am at this time. I want change, but I don't want to grow up. Honestly.
