Honestly...

So I just realized that I haven't written a single blog post since Italy. To be honest things haven't been so great since then. Hence the fact that it's 3 AM and I can't sleep because of anxiety. So much for that epiphany I had while traveling about what's important in life. There's a nervous twitch in my leg (not kidding), I'm wide awake, and I've felt like a zombie for days...so this post is going to be a little less positive and uplifting than usual. Ok a lot less. I've been sick for three weeks straight - ever since I got home - with a cold, then allergies,  etc. Not unusual for me though, there's something constantly wrong with me in the health department. Anyways, as I sit here with my milk and cookies trying to comfort my insomniac self, I can't help but think about how much I don't want to leave for college. I know this statement goes against anything else I've written in this entire blog, but I feel like I just need to admit this. Of course I don't want to go back to high school, but for the longest time I imagined this summer in "limbo". I thought it would last forever, the sweet time between freedom from high school and transitioning to college. The time when I had two amazing trips planned, the time when I wanted to read for fun instead of for class, the time when I could relieve myself from the stress of the past four years. Sigh. It didn't turn out the way I planned, as most things don't. I could look at this positively and think about how everything happens for a reason and all that but I don't want to. I'm sitting here in denial that this summer is already over, that my trips have come and gone, that I'm leaving in less than a week without having done half of what I wanted to. Time, as usual, has been taken from underneath my feet - and I'm left confused. Empty. Sad. Scared. I know I'll love college once I'm there and will think I was stupid for being so nervous. That's how things always go. I'm tired of being so predictable, shutting down while simultaneously worrying myself to death at the thought of something that will be hard to face - but that's just my personality and I can't help it. 

one of my favorite quotes....so much easier said than done

Moving away from my hometown doesn't bother me, nor from my friends (if youre reading this I still love you all, but I know I'll see you soon so I'm not too worried) - but being away from my family and my home does. Not many people have the kind of relationship I do with my parents, and I'm thankful that I have that. But it makes this so difficult. I rely on my mom for all of my emotional support. She helps me with everything. She's my best friend. I'm more happy sitting at home watching The Bachelorette with her than going out with my friends sometimes. And my dad. I absolutely love his humor and his permanent smile, he turns my grumpy teenage attitude around in an instant. The love and support they show me everyday will be missed to no end. Alright I'm tearing up just writing this so I think it's time to stop. I just wanted to pour all of this out so I can look back when I'm an independent college kid and remember who I am at this time. I want change, but I don't want to grow up. Honestly.

Italy 2011

Ciao from Italia! Before my trip, I was so excited to have something new to write about...but I’ve spent almost two weeks here and I haven’t written at all! I think for the first time in my life, I’ve found what it means to live totally in the moment. Either that or I was too lazy...tanning and enjoying scenery really takes a lot out of me ;) I planned to write a separate blog post about each city my family visited, but obviously that didn’t happen. So instead, I’ll summarize everything into a long post! 

Roma

My grandparents have been planning a large family trip to Italy for a year now. They paid for my entire family on my dad’s side to stay in a CASTLE in Tuscany. I know, I can’t believe it either. Talk about a dream vacation that doesn’t happen in real life. We flew into Rome on the 8th of July. Although I was extremely jet lagged, I was still able to enjoy our short time in the amazing city. We did a whirlwind tour of the famous places before joining our family at the castle. We will be returning at the end of our vacation for a couple days before flying out, and I can’t wait to go back - Rome has become one of my favorite cities. It was exactly as I imagined it. Colorful buildings, countless historical sites, and small, winding alleys with charming restaurants...unlike any city I have ever been to. 

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I kept thinking about how busy, dirty, and grey other cities seem compared to Rome. The Romans have kept 2,000 year old buildings alive. The streets are still cobblestone. Every building seems stately and important. There is a fountain in every square. Street vendors line every pathway, and motorcycles race by on every road. The city is so obviously European, but different because of the remarkable culture. 

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Christopher and I throwing pennies into the Fontana di Trevi, the Colosseum, my mom and I at the Vatican

Toscana

I discovered more of this Italian lifestyle in Tuscany. I spent the first couple of days in the castle in awe. Every time I tried to take in the view from our back patio, I felt like my mind wasn’t able to process that much beauty per square inch. I was living in a painting...totally unreal. Everything I had been vying for all year long - carrying me through exams, projects, and days wasted in school - was finally there.  I was reunited with my cousins, who I only get to see once a year. We would eat dinner outside as a huge family, laughing while watching the sun go down behind the hills of perfectly lined farms. Sounds like a cliche movie, but honestly it was so nice to be in a beautiful place with beautiful people. Nothing to do but tan, eat, talk, and sightsee. What’s more, I was introduced to the concept of siesta time - from 1 to 4 every day, Italians relax. Shops and offices close. People nap. Siesta time is very descriptive of the Italian attitude - enjoying life is the most important thing.

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Top left: the castle we stayed in
Top Right: my artsy take on Italian meals
Bottom Left: my cousin Emma and I  dancing on the castle grounds
Bottom Right: Emma, Marina, and I

Siena

While staying in the castle, we took a couple of day trips to the cities nearby. Our first trip was to Siena - a small, medieval city in Tuscany. The history was prominent in the architecture and detail of the buildings. Unlike Rome, there was a lack of color to the surrounding. Every structure followed the Gothic brownstone design. Tiny streets wound between these buildings, and broke apart suddenly for a church or public square. The main piazza was a fan shaped area that used to be a forum - it had 9 segments that symbolize 9 different governing counsels, and led down to a cathedral and tower.  

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Although it sounds boring and historical to some, I have some amazing memories from Siena. Most of the family traveled with us on the day trip, and we enjoyed authentic Italian cappuccinos and nutella crepes. The busy piazza was full of street vendors, tourists sitting on the fan, and children running around with flags (flags were sold everywhere around the city, symbolizing the 9 rival districts). Again I saw the old Italian culture mixed in with modern life - the medieval feel was preserved despite the trendy shops lining the streets. We also went to a market, where hundreds of tents were selling cloths, bags, and food. Siena was probably the closest experience of the Italian lifestyle we saw. A couple of days later, my cousins and I got to experience the nightlife of Siena. After getting gelato, we returned to the main piazza which seemed like a new place. Restaurants were turned into bars, and the fan turned into a social scene. If you know me well, you know that one of my lifelong dreams has been to light a floating lantern. While sitting outside, I noticed a tour group doing just that. I grabbed my cousin Marina and ran down to see if we could try. A precious old man was smiling up at the lanterns getting higher and higher into the stars, but not lighting his own. We asked if we could help him, and he agreed! It was the most amazing, magical experience, and I will never forget it. We also met some new friends who were natives of Siena, and tried to learn about their lives (they only spoke a little bit of English, Marina only spoke a little bit of Italian!). It was a night filled with new experiences - which is of course the best kind!

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Firenze

The next day trip was to Florence! This time it was just me, my mom, and my dad. Florence was definitely more open than Siena, as well as more modern. I was not very impressed after getting off the train - it seemed dirty and boring. However, after walking deeper into the city my opinion changed. The buildings started getting more colorful, the shops became more homestyle, and the culture became uncovered. Past the small boutiques and markets, the streets opened up by the water. The Arno River is absolutely beautiful, lined with houses that put Tuscan hues - yellows and reds - in their place. A large bridge runs across the river, providing some medieval history to the city. Florence is famous for its jewelry stores, and has been since its origins. The entire bridge features shoulder-to-shoulder jewelry shops, built out of wood and gothic architecture. Past these shops are high fashion, modern names. Gucci, Fendi, Versace...all the Italian designers! Following the river brought us to the Ufitzi - one of the most famous art galleries. The line was too long to get in, but its large outdoor courtyard was just fine for us. Dozens of watercolor artists were set up in the courtyard. My mom collects watercolors from the cities she visits, so of course we had to buy some! We met the sweetest woman who had been selling her art by the Ufitzi for thirty years. The woman went school for graphic design - which is what I will be studying this fall at JMU! I learned that when she was my age, her family went on a trip to Florence and she just knew that her future was in this place. I felt the most amazing connection with this total stranger, who actually followed her childhood dream. It gave me hope - there are still people in the world that work for pleasure rather than money. There are people like me, who can visit a foreign place and feel more at home than in their birthplace. What’s more - I saw numerous design school posters around Florence. Maybe I will be returning to this beautiful, artistic, and distinctive city ;)

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Cortona

We moved out of the castle after a week (Saturday, July 16th) and made a villa in Cortona our home for the week to follow. Although living in the castle was an unforgettable experience, moving was exciting. All of us were in the same house - creating the huge family craziness I love so much. Suntanning together, watching movies, and staying up late talking - oh how I love my cousins! We were closer to civilization - the town of Cortona (and we were away from the heat and bugs!!). Cortona is one of the oldest hill towns in Tuscany, built high above the plains as a method of defense. The town is quite like Siena, but the streets are wider and there is a leather purse shop everywhere you look! Days in Cortona were spent sipping iced cappuccinos in a cafe, shopping for staple Italian fashions, and admiring the view. At night the entire family went out for gelato, enjoyed people watching, and photographed the golden-lit streets while walking. It was a great place for our huge family of 20! However, the most interesting part of Cortona is the travel up and down its hill. There are actually escalators built into the land! Additionally, sunflower farms cover the entire journey into town - making it the remarkable Tuscany I expected.

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Top Left: house we stayed in the second week
Top Middle: my cousin Claire looking at all of the bags
Top Right: streets and hills of Cortona
Bottom Left: Emma and I listening to music on the church steps
Bottom Right: all of my cousins on a night out in Cortona

The last significant part of Cortona would be meeting extended family. My grandma’s cousin Jeff has family living in the farmland near Cortona. Our large group made a journey over to his daughter’s house. We got lost in the countryside, but it was so beautiful we didn’t mind at all. Jeff’s daughters and grandchildren were at the house, so I got to meet a lot of extended family! It’s amazing that I didn’t know about the connections I have in a place I’ve only dreamed about. Both of Jeff’s daughters grew up in England, but settled in Italy not knowing a word of the language - another little piece of hope for me! Jeff’s daughter, Helen, put on an Italian meal for us and we all got to know each other. We taught them about life in America/England, and they told us about life in Italy.  His other daughter, Penny, invited me to her house by the sea. I will definitely be taking her up on that...whether she was serious or not!! I’m so happy to have met distant relatives, and can’t wait to spend some of my future with them.

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Top Left: Claire and I clueless and lost!
Top Right: beautiful Tuscan sunflowers
Bottom: all of us with our extended family!

Venezia

Last but not least, we visited Venice. I can’t choose which destination was my favorite in Italy, but I know Venice is up there. There is just nothing like a city where water replaces roads. The scenery is stunning and new everywhere you look. Streets are solely for pedestrians since they are broken up by water every block - a nice change from the busy streets in other cities! It’s fascinating the way streets go through buildings, turn into bridges, duck into alleys, and almost disappear between buildings. Somehow hundreds of shops were built in between canals, as well as beautiful hotels, cute restaurants, and colorful apartment buildings. The Grand Canal is also an amazing sight. All of the canals are filled with gondolas and water taxis, but the Grand Canal is like a New York City street in water form. Many boats speed by the vivid, intricate buildings and churches. I have nothing but good things to say about Venice. My family described me as “bouncing up and down in excitement”, not letting go of the camera for a second. I just love the whole unique atmosphere, and will definitely be returning in the future.

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Tomorrow we will go to Rome and fly out of Italy. I knew before the vacation that it would be a trip of a lifetime. But I didn’t know that I would fall in love. I love Italy, I love the lifestyle, I love food, I love family, I love life. I cannot wait to keep traveling, discovering, and falling in love. I realized that I can do anything I want with my future, because it really is a sweet life...

Breaking Traditions

I hope everyone had a happy 4th of July!

Throughout high school, my friend Emily and I traditionally went out on her boat every Independence Day. We would tan, eat lunch, swim, and then dock in Annapolis to watch the fireworks. I don't have many holiday traditions, so the 4th of July became one of my favorites. But following my recent theme of change, this year's 4th was a little different. There were thunderstorms in Annapolis and we unfortunately couldn't go out. Instead, some friends and I found something new to do. We had s'mores at my house until it got dark, and then we went to the Lake Fairfax fireworks. The entire avenue up to the park was filled with traffic and cars lining the street. We got dropped off and walked through the woods to find the park! Thank god for technology and flashlight apps! We came to find an abandoned house in a clearing next to the lake, where lots of people watched the fireworks through a break in the trees. The fireworks were short but great! When we went back towards the woods, the trees looked like they were glittering because of the thousands of lightning bugs in them! It was really nice to get outside and do something on a whim :)

Mat, Inanje, Me, Brendan, and Clare watching fireworks

Happy 235th birthday America! No matter what I'm doing on Independence Day, I never forget the troops that give me the freedom to enjoy my life. Nights like this - filled with little joys like friends, fireworks, and lightning bugs - make me forever thankful.

That's It

Exit 245. I saw the sign to get off 81 and arrive at my first official JMU event - orientation! I couldn't help but think about how many times I would see this sign in the next four years, how many times I would travel back and forth on this highway. It's weird to put time into perspective, and consider how something so new to me now will become familiar in the coming years. I thought about my freshman year in high school, when the campus seemed huge and I felt so out of place. I honestly can't remember my first day at Herndon, but I do know that these feelings never went away. Of course walking the campus became second nature, the people became recognizable, and school schedules became routine - but the feeling of being "out of place" did not change. I didn't realize this until seeing this exit sign...I never really felt a sense of belonging at HHS. I'm not discounting the friendships I made, the fun sports memories, or our school's achievements, but rather realizing that my affinity for Herndon is not matched by what I think JMU will be for me. The commute is new, the campus is new, the people are new - but I already feel like this is where I'm supposed to be. After passing the sign I turned to my mom and said, "this is home". 

 Driving onto the campus furthered my satisfaction. Every time I visit JMU, I have the same genuinely happy feeling. Although the environment is perfect, I was still nervous for this day of "firsts". Not knowing what to expect scared me more than anything, so spending a day with strangers wasn't my idea of fun. Orientation day was a great way for me to shake that fear. My mom reminded me that if I got could through an internship on Capitol Hill, I shouldn't be self conscious about anything. And she's right - I just have to convince myself there is nothing to to be nervous about because worrying is so unnecessary.

The day was actually so much fun. All of the OPAs (Orientation Peer Guides) were enthusiastic and put on a clever presentation at the start of the day. There was one OPA for  every assigned group, who we met after the presentation. Mine was named Christa - she's a double major and triple minor at JMU. Holy cow. I didn't even know that happened in college. She was so friendly, as all JMU students seem to be, and had a great sense of sarcastic humor. When all of my group members met up with her on the quad, we went to an empty classroom and got to know each other. There were about 10 other people in my group - only one boy and the rest girls! There was every type of person in our group, but we all got along. Right away I found a difference between high school and college. Although every one of us would probably be in a different high school stereotype, none of that mattered here. For a second I wondered what stereotype I give off on first impression, but realized it didn't make a difference. I spent the day with them, putting myself out there and starting conversations that really surprised me. One of the girls I talked to was also really interested in photography, and it turns out her dad is high up in the Canon company! I couldn't believe I had so much to talk about with a girl I had just met. We kept finding all of these similarities in our personalities and lives. Another girl was so sweet and quiet, from the south western tip of Virginia. Although we live in the same state, our lives are completely different. Her town doesn't even know what field hockey is! It's crazy to hear about all of these different pasts leading up to the same present. I met so many interesting people, and decided that talking to people is one of the greatest small joys. It's not something to be afraid of. Everyone's story is so different from my own, which is refreshing from growing up in the same town with the same people my entire life. Lunch, games, presentations - it was a great experience. I went to my advisor meeting with two of the girls from my group, and we actually picked classes for next year. I love my advisor, he's also the sarcastic funny type. After a lot of introduction, information, and reading the course catalogue, I had an individual meeting with him. We typed up my first choices in a database to see if there was any room in the class. I had to go with backup choices for a couple of classes, but thankfully taking 93740293 AP classes in high school exempted me from the boring stuff! After five minutes I was placed in Drawing, Two Dimensional Design (both for my major), Social Issues, Human Communication, and Health. Pretty easy and interesting! Also, I don't have a class before 10 AM...if you know me well you know that's for the best! So after a couple clicks, my advisor said "and that's it! see ya in the fall". That's it. Five minutes with my college advisor, five classes for my first college semester. Nothing I should have been worried about. All I have to do is enjoy these new experiences...and that's it!

Hummingbird

My first blog post! Brace yourself, it will probably be pretty long. I just created this blog after graduating from high school - the first legitimate milestone in my 18 years of life. Some friends of mine use blogs to write about significant experiences - I had always wanted to try it out but didn't think I would have anything interesting to say! In all honesty I was the typical high school student - freaking out about the smallest test, friend or boy problem, or Facebook picture - who wants to read a blog about that? My senior year was still full of these pointless stressors, but in the back of my mind I knew I wanted more out of life, something I would be proud of writing about. An epiphany slowly made its way into my life over this year of "lasts", but hit me hard this past week. Graduation is a bittersweet event - I am happy to leave a restrictive, narrow-minded environment full of people that didn't understand or care about me, but I am scared of the change and loss I am already starting to experience. To add to the mix of emotions, the past month has seemed like a huge whirlwind. Final exams, graduation parties, my 18th birthday, the graduation ceremony, and beach week - it all came crashing at once, and I didn't feel "present" at these important events. Graduation was quick and didn't feel real. However, the ceremony was really nice - one of my best friends, Annie Turner, made the most perfect speech for the occasion as class president. Everything I had been thinking but couldn't say was embodied in her words. (click here to read her graduation speech and visit her blog!) Her main point was the fact that out of every piece of advice for our future, the most important is to just be happy. That's it. The Dalai Lama quote she used had the same theme as my recent growing thoughts. "The purpose of life is to seek happiness. Happiness is determined more by the state of one's mind than by our external conditions, circumstances, or events. The key to happiness is in our own hands." I just love that. Annie's friendship and genuine personality remind me to enjoy these experiences instead of feeling overwhelmed by them.

Annie made the whole experience of graduation really surreal, not just through her speech. None of us felt particularly sad at graduation because the idea of us all leaving still seems so far away. However, Annie had to leave the day after graduation - literally hours after All Night Grad - to start summer term for her university. We were reminded of the reality we would soon face - change. She is so strong for jumping right into the what we are all scared to face. (photo from Herndon Patch)

Me (third from the right) and six of my best friends after graduation. I'm so proud of these girls for sticking together throughout the past four years. I don't know what I would have done without their support.

And then there's me, getting recognized with 50-some other students who had a 4.0 GPA all four years of high school. Nerd status wooot! (photo from Herndon Patch)


Again, feels like a dream. We all had so much fun afterwards at All Night Grad, running around playing games, winning prizes, and celebrating. Before leaving I hugged Annie and said "see you later", because I don't believe in goodbyes. And then I just picked up and left for the Outer Banks, which made everything more unreal - I had no time to process what had just happened. I had the time of my life with a great group of people - not having an agenda, going where we wanted to go, doing what we wanted to do - that was the best experience I could have asked for after such a crazy year. Many nights I would sit outside on the beach or the roof of our house with different people, talking about life and what's next. I realized that although high school is all I've ever known, it will be such a small part of my life in 30 years to come. Even some of my best friends may become distant memories. Although it's a depressing thought, it's amazing to be at this crossroad. I can do anything with my life - and that freedom from the structure thus far is a feeling I've been waiting for. However distant memories are, they still won't be forgotten. I will never forget the carefree feeling I had at beach week:

Making a music video to Sam Adam's "Driving Me Crazy" :)

We had theme nights...can you guess that this was rave/ke$ha night?!

Jungle Night!

Me, Melissa, Chloe, and Brittany on the beach the last day :)

So, in conclusion, I've learned more about myself, my friends, and my life in the past month than I have probably in all of high school. I can gladly say that I am the person I want to be at this point - a happier, more grounded adult that is ready for what life throws at me next. Little worries are now replaced by small joys. That's why I titled this post "hummingbird" - the perfect symbol for my new life that doubles as my pretty blog background ;) I researched their meaning and found that "in Native American culture, a hummingbird symbolizes timless joy and the nectar of life. It's a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances." Perfect.